A principle of least interest: Why you are invested in the relationship more than your partner

Relationship indifferences are a common occurrence, especially in the dating scene. It happens when the partner seems more emotionally invested in a relationship while the other exudes signs of nonchalance, which strikes an imbalance.

The least interested partner sails through the relationship unbothered as the most interested partner struggles to keep it afloat, leaving the latter extremely overwhelmed.

At a time when social media is full of relationship advice from self-proclaimed ‘love experts’, you can be sure to have heard the term "If they wanted to, they would". 

The same applies to nonchalance in relationships; they would care if they wanted to. They probably fail to because they are just not that into you, or they are scared to deal with the aftermath of a break up. 

The Principle of least interest

The principle of least interest relationship dynamic dates back to 1938 when a sociologist named Willard Waller introduced a concept dubbed ‘The principle of least interest’. 

The concept suggests that the least interested (LI) partner wields the most power in a relationship, unlike the most interested (MI) partner. 

“The sociologist reached that conclusion because mostly the MI tends to make all the sacrifices and are heavily invested in the relationship and to some extent desperate to do anything just to get the relationship going,” psychologist Leah Ndegwa says.

Ndegwa notes that the LI benefits the most in such a relationship dynamic, as the MI puts in the most effort so the LI feels like they do not have to.

She states that the concept best describes friends with benefits or ‘situationship’ dynamics whereby the LI, who mostly initiates it, seeks to benefit from it but evades the commitment conversation. 

The MI often gets emotionally attached and entertains the arrangement, hoping it will lead to a commitment. The MI is willing to compromise their non-negotiables in relationships, settling for less. This renders them powerless, as the relationship is based on the LI's terms. 

Ndegwa cites that what draws out such relationships past their expiration date is the MI hoping that the LI will decide to pursue a committed relationship in the long run, which she notes rarely happens. 

“The LI chooses what is convenient for them, leaving the MI partner at a disadvantage because they most likely end up getting emotionally attached,” she says.

The downside of such relationship dynamics

Anthony Mwangi, a relationship coach, says that relationships based on power dynamics cause the MI to become resentful towards the LI because "the MI ends up wasting time in a relationship that does not work."

He further notes that the constant need for the MI to settle for the bare minimum can introduce toxicity tendencies like starting up endless arguments and building up walls as a coping mechanism, which most likely negatively affects their next relationship.

"Desperation to settle can make the MI become toxic," Mwangi says "staying in a relationship that does not serve you will only hurt and drain you more.”

He further advises individuals not to alter their personalities because of past relationships.

Traits to look out for 

According to Ndegwa, attachment styles are at play in relationships, where anxious and avoidant individuals tend to lean towards such a relationship dynamic. 

She notes that the avoidant attached partner tends to mask their vulnerability as a coping mechanism to avoid getting hurt, while anxiously attached individuals crave reassurance and will get attached very quickly. 

“The anxiously attached is most likely to be the most invested in the relationship, and the avoidant gives the illusion that they are not interested in the relationship. They mask their vulnerability so that in case the relationship ends, they do not get hurt,” she says.

Additionally, Ndegwa states that most times the LI's actions will betray their words, noting that their words may hint to the LI the possibility of a committed relationship, although their actions say differently. She notes that it may go on for a while, taking the MI's power as they wait and hope that the LI will pursue a committed relationship with them eventually. 

"The LI tell you what you want to hear. It is important to focus on their actions because it says a lot. Even though they put up a facade, their real self will unravel soon enough, so be on the lookout.”

How to avoid such relationship dynamics

Dating for the fun of it has become a norm. Ndegwa attributes this to why people end up with partners who feel indifferent about a relationship. She advises people to date intentionally, asking the tough questions and focusing on the potential partner's actions to avoid being in such situations. 

"In the early stages of dating, you need to become very intentional with the type of questions you are asking the potential partner. A lot of people jump into relationships. People need to stop dating for the fun of it,” she says.

Ndegwa further urges people to be genuine about what they seek to achieve from a relationship during the early stages of dating. She maintains that individuals should value their worth, noting that the possibilities of finding an emotionally invested romantic partner are high. 

“It is always good to realize your worth and know that you need to receive the same effort that you are putting into your partner,” she advises. 

“There are so many people out there that will give you what you need without even asking. People need to stop thinking of leaving those relationships as a loss but as a gain. A gain in terms of you will find another partner who actually cares and does things right." 

Mwangi states that the advancement of a relationship should be based on chemistry, noting that those based on indifference are short lived. 

He advises the MI to leave imbalanced relationships sooner before they lead to life-long commitment, quipping that “a broken relationship is better than a broken marriage.”