Top five best fish joints in Nairobi

I’m going to walk you guys through a couple of things first before I tell you the places to go if you want to eat proper fish, because – walking around joints in Nairobi – I have noticed some really weird habits amongst some of you that I think need to stop.

I was in Luo Nyanza over the weekend and into the better part of the week on personal errands, which is not exactly important news to this article.

What’s news is that I ate bad fish. I knew it was bad fish just by looking at it, even before it went into my mouth. There’s a way bad fish looks like, just lying on that plate; like it had a terrible death.

Fish needs to be killed with decorum, in a humane, decent manner. That’s all fish desire, really; because, like humans, they know they will all die someday, they’re just hoping it’s not a rough death at the hands of some village-bred, machete-wielding warmonger.

Fish needs to die happy, for it to be sweet. A fish that dies sad, like it just watched ‘Me and Earl and the Dying Girl’ in the fish film cinema and was deep in tears before you showed up and speared it’s brain, will absolutely taste like plasticine; chewy and bland and insipid, kind of like njahi.

Secondly, there is a procedure for eating fish. You eat the flesh on one side of it, before turning it over and doing the same on the other side, and then finally delving into the head. With order and precision. By the time you’re done, the skeleton is what should remain on your plate. Do not go around digging into fish and dragging it around the plate and scattering the bones like a starving red-eyed hyena with athlete’s foot.

Finally, and follow me keenly on this one, fish is eaten with ugali. Please. Not chips/fries or potatoes. Forget what your favorite food blogger says, eat fish with ugali (brown or white). The fact that fast food joints in the Nairobi CBD named after American towns are called ‘fish and chips’ is no excuse to put those two on the same plate.

Anyway, here’s a list of places I have been to in Nairobi that will not disappoint you with their fish;

Mama Oliech Restaurant on Marcus Garvey Road in Hurlingham serves, hands down, the best fish in Nairobi, in my own opinion, of course.

Fresh fish that lived full lives and took their children to fish school and died smiling with pride, then were escorted into the fish after-life by professionals. Ah, pure bliss!

The best thing for me about Mama Oliech’s fish is how huge they usually are, and yet still going at just the standard rate of fish as other joints in the city. Those magnificent beasts deserve more, their lives matter too.

G-Pot, as it is commonly known, is situated on Chaka Road, also in Hurlingham, practically just a few metres across the road from Mama Oliech.

There was a time in 2019 I was headed back into the office from lunch and, as I passed by G-Pot, I noticed that it was on fire. I wrote that story with about two or three drops of tears coming down my cheeks, because I thought it was the end of an era. But then the owner dusted his feet and got it back up and me and my whole family are happy again.

G-Pot is the kind of place you want to get to early enough, because you will not find a seat if you arrive at 2:15pm on a Sunday. That is how much the clientele loves their fish (although, even their chicken wet fry is to die for.)

Ranalo Foods, popularly known as K’Osewe, along Kimathi Street in the heart of the CBD is a legendary restaurant in the fish game.

K’Osewe is the Michael Jordan of fish restaurants, it needs no introduction at all. K’Osewe started making fish in Nairobi at a time when, to get decent fish, you had to board three buses to Kisumu and present your birth certificate to the chief for his signature before indulging.

The woes that have befallen the establishment, as well as its owner, are saddening, to say the least. But, K'Osewe still remains a giant in the fish business in spite of all this.

Strangely, The Branch restaurant owner was a chef at K’Osewe for about nine years before branching (see what I did there?) out to start his own venture.

He has maintained the same standards he displayed when he was still at his former work place.

The Branch, situated on Kenya Cinema, makes fish so good it should not even be legal, in an environment so clean you will want to eat it off the floor.

All the other restaurants on this list are what we call oldies, but the Big Fish is a newbie.

A restaurant started by a young jobless man in a tiny shack in Roasters, to a second one in the same area before a major expansion in Wetlands, based primarily on goodwill from Kenyans on Twitter.

I ate at the second branch on Roasters and what I loved was that my fish was made on order. Fresh fish dipped in hot cooking oil upon request, it is not cooked in the morning for you to consume during your 2pm lunch break.

The downside is that I had to wait quite a bit to get my fish, but it was nothing short of amazing. Plainly put, ladies and gentlemen, the peace and happiness and pride you get after eating fish at Big Fish is the kind I believe our forefathers fought for.

[Disclaimer: The views expressed in this article are solely those of the writer, and do not necessarily represent those of Citizen Digital.]