How to cope with the loss of a loved one

The loss of a loved one takes a toll on a person and different people deal with grief differently.

Ann Wambui spoke to Wananchi Reporting about how the loss of her loving mother, the late  Monicah Wanjiru changed her life and ways that she has coped. 

"At the very beginning, I was looking for someone, anyone who has gone through it to just hold my hand as I was navigating through this. It is still a sensitive topic, I get it. A taboo to some and definitely not  endearing, the truth is death is part of life." 

Ann says that the loss of her 'Darling mum’, as she loved to call her, flogged her. 

 “To the world, I lost a mother but to me it's way more than that, I lost my best friend, my life partner and my  girlfriend. By burying her, I buried the life we had envisioned, dreams, plans, joy, a sense of safety, peace and calmness, us together, six feet above. To me, I lost my world.” 

Ann lost her mother on August 4. She refrains from using words to elaborate her experience with grief because she believes it can only be understood when in it. 

 “So much has changed within these five years, it is incomparable yet grief has a way of making it seem as if it was just yesterday. It's still super difficult to comprehend a life without her, the finality of death is one I am yet to come to terms with and that just confirms that grief does not respect time. 

Years after her demise, I still think about her every single day, I miss her immensely, it actually hurts. I see her in flowers, the colour purple, elegant fashion, music, dance and freshly baked pastries.”

Ann says that she remembers having mixed emotions after laying her mother to rest. 

"On 10/08/2018. We laid her to rest, they had already shown us that when the casket hits the ground and the one presiding says, " Ashes to ashes.." we throw half of the soil on our hands, "Dust to dust" we throw the remaining. The sound of soil hitting the the top of your elegant white casket is still surreal. That's when it finally hit me how final this is. It's so easy to dwell on that day and the days leading to it. Rightfully so, because the distress, the confusion and pain is real but the pain is as loud as my love for my Darling mum. The memories made were not buried with her, they have a home in me." 

Ann shares soe of the ways she has coped with grief over the years; 

01) Acknowledge the pain and face it. Whenever you're on this journey, accord the grief the respect that it deserves and grief demands to be felt. So sit with it, learn how to live with it, then bloom in it. Lest it takes the form of raging anger, confusion and ultimate self destruction. 

02) Understand that your grieving process will be unique to you and very personal. 

In that, there is no right or wrong way to grieve, it all depends on your personality, coping style, experience, faith and how significant the loss is to you. 

03) Plan ahead of grief triggers. 

Anniversaries, holidays and important milestones can reawaken painful memories eg mother's day might bring about a lot of emotions when you see everyone posting about it, on such days depending on how you feel, you can stay away from triggers such as social media and depending on how you feel you can celebrate the day. 

Also having your peers talking about their loved ones will awaken some emotions such as anger and that is why you need to be around  people that understand what you're going through and will put your emotions into consideration . 

04) Preserve memories. 

This can be done by creating  an album or even creating a gallery including favourite photos of you together,  memories do not always bring sadness, they might bring happiness and joy. 

05) If you are a friend or in a support group for anyone grieving, refrain from using generic statements when consoling a bereaved one.  Such as 'All is well',  ,'it  happened for a reason'  Don't cry, they wouldn't want to see you sad'

Pure intentions but completely wrong words. 

Ann says that she believes in also being present not only during the mourning week but also after the burial because after everyone leaves, that is when the funeral begins, having to adapt to a life without this person. 

To anyone grieving, Ann advises that one be present in the journey and not let anyone tell you how to feel. Moving on means you have accepted the loss not forgotten about it.

There are different types of grief:

01) Anticipatory grief. 

This develops before a significant loss occurs rather than after, you know the loss is imminent, you may start grieving before the loss has fully unfolded. It has a mix of confusing emotions especially anger. However,  it can give one a chance to prepare for the loss, resolve unfinished business or bid them goodbye. This happens in instances of terminal illness. 

02)  Disenfranchised grief. 

Whereby your loss is devalued , stigmatized or cannot be mourned openly. Some people might minimize something they think is not worth grieving over, according to them.  Example: losing a pet. 

03) Complicated grief. 

Whereby the pain does not disappear or ease up and keeps resuming daily. The state of bereavement that one experiences is intense longing for your loved one and searching for them in familiar places. The loss remains unsolved.