Warning signs in a relationship and how to deal with conflict

Conflict is a part of life by virtue of the fact that we all have different perspectives.

However, one should not accept bad behavior in the name of having different views.

There are healthy disagreement, and there are warning signs, whether in friendships or romantic relationships.

How one deals with conflict is what determines whether the fire is fueled or put out.

Bethcarlos Mwende spoke to Wananchi Reporting about her experience with conflict and how she has dealt with it:

'”I would normally go to my boyfriend's house over the weekend. On Friday I went straight to his house and since I was very tired I decided to nap and before I realised it, he was already back home, he told me that he was going to watch football with his friends and he told him to clean his shoes, I went back to bed since I was so fatigued and as soon as I woke up, I realised that it was heavily raining outside. He came back and asked me if I had cleaned his shoes and I told him why I did not manage to do so. He angrily hit the wall and began to tell me how lazy and comfortable I was getting in his house.”

Relationships come with different dynamics and expectations and Bethcarlos says although she did not mind cleaning the shoes, she did not expect him to get angered to the point of hitting the wall. 

“He began to revive issues that I thought we were over and done with. He began to angrily point out my behaviours that annoy him but he had never brought to the table. I was so confused since I did not understand how not cleaning shoes would lead to all of this. Me reminding him that he should view me as a helper and not my mandate to cater to him actually escalated things, I could see the anger in his eyes, the minute he stood up to me, I had to remind him that he had not even officiated our relationship and he was really going overboard with this issue.”

He told me that I was on probation and that nothing was going to be official… that literally broke my heart, I imagined all the efforts I had put into our relationship and I was still wondering how he had put all this issues in his heart and was just waiting for me to make one wrong move. I packed my things and left since I realised that there was nothing to hold onto.”

Bethcarlos says that from this experience she learnt the importance of dealing with issues as they emerge.

“The more you decide to harbour all this feelings in your heart, one day you will be triggered into speaking out your emotions and it might come out in the worst ways possible.” 

When faced with conflict, here are some ways to handle the matter in a nondestructive way:

01)  Avoid using hyperbolic language. 

02) Be mindful of your body language. 

03) Exercise positive criticism and focus on behaviours, not characters. 

04)Take a proactive pause to notice your emotions. 

05) Create a welcoming environment for open communication. 

06) Find a middle ground.

07) Stick to one arguement at a time. 

08) Assume that your partner has good intentions. 

09)  Agree to disagree and work on Changing your battles.

10) Directly express your feelings and avoid playing Blame game