A man’s world after losing child custody, adjusting to co-parenting

In several instances, a court will rule in the interest of the child. 

Many would think of it as a winner take it all scenario, when mothers (who are commonly plaintiffs in such cases) are given custody of the child/children, and a father is compelled to support the breakaway family financially. 

Some parties will be lucky to get shared custody of children. But what happens when only a mother is granted custody, and a father is only allowed to see the child/children for a few hours or during the weekends and school holidays? 

Who is the loser in looser in child custody battles? 

James* who was involved in a lengthy and costly court battle that resulted in losing custody of his children says that minors are the biggest losers in such instances. 

The 44-year-old businessman and father of two shares a personal story of his fight to be in his children’s lives despite losing custody over his children and encourages other fathers to do the same.

“It was a mess and exhausting, their mother retained primary custody. Looking back, it was most emotionally damaging moment in my adult life. I was in shock, kind of numb. Luckily over the years, I have dealt with it and now I can focus on being a better father,” he tells Citizen Digital. 

In James’ case, the court found that the ex-wife was the more stable and fit parent for custody of the children.

It also noted that she had a close relationship with their children, hence awarded primary custody due to what the judge considered the best interest of the minors.

“I moved a lot around that time, I could provide for them financially but their mother had a more grounded work routine.  It was a challenge when my wife was transferred to another town, but I vowed to make it work for my children,” he says. 

James now has an arrangement with the ex-wife, where he gets visits from the children over the holiday and over the weekends. He advises parents not to sever ties with children because their relationships did not work.

“It was challenging in the beginning, but we found a way to make it work for the sake of our children. A lot of men say that they will not bother with the children because they will look for them when they are older but you miss out on witnessing their milestones and the opportunity to nurture them,” he said.

He further encourages all fathers to spend as much time as they can with their children and participate in nurturing them from a foundational level.

“Your children must be your first priority; I have learnt there is absolutely nothing more important than them. You have no excuse, there is no situation you can justify anything over them,” he advises.

In notable cases, judges give men sole custody of children, revoking a long-held view that only women are primary caregivers. 

James advises parents who are on the losing side of custody battles to move past the feelings. While losing custody over a child creates lots of emotions, he notes repressing them is not the solution.

“You have to intentionally deal with them, do not ignore the feelings, do not sever relationships with your child out of anger, be better.” 

Moses* received custody over his son after what he described as a very exhaustive court battle. 

According to Moses, he knew he had an uphill battle because he had to proof beyond reasonable doubt that the mother is unfit to raise the child or children.

“We separated three years ago and came into an agreement that the child should stay with the mother. I would provide everything, from school fees, food, and rent. She started taking advantage of the situation financially, and any time I did not fall for her plots she would down me access to the child,” he recalls. 

Although the mother would go days and leave the child with the domestic worker, he still performed well in school and had no other issues on the surface. His teacher at the time testified that he was a thriving student.

“I never speak negatively of the mother in front of my son, I have developed a parenting plan regarding visitation and holiday schedule between both us and it’s been working so far. Being in my child’s life, watching him grow gives me so much joy,” says Moses, who later won sole custody of his son. 

According to him, he will never stop showing up for his 11-year-old son, he notes peaceful, consistent, and purposeful communication with your ex-partner is vital to the success of co-parenting.

“Even though it may seem absolutely impossible. It all begins with your mindset. Think about your child and how you can show up for them in a better way. Ask yourself how your actions and decision will affect your child, once you do that. You automatically make your child the focal point of your life,” he says